it just wasn't the cleanest way to emerge but that doesn't mean its right to go back underground

being careless was alright, but after i learned to be careful and now i should know better.

dear uterus,
thank you for being remarkably inhospitable and unwelcoming to my potential children. or perhaps *****(**) is impotent. either way, blood dripping from my body has never felt so good.

love me

when i read things i have written here i think that whoever wrote this retarded nonsensical grammatically incorrect bullshit should be committed.

Ugh, things:

Wake by 8 (10 on "nights").
Stretchies.
Eat breakfast. Vitamins at breakfast.
Read things other than the internet.
Lunch whatever. Let's not worry.
Antsy? Physical!
Dinner! Make it! Broccoli?
Stretchies etc.
Bed by 12 (whenever on "nights").

These things: after 1.15/115/1/15.
I need to experiment until then.

ugh i want some wings

I would do well to focus on making my Schwarzschild radius as small as possible because it may be impossible to eliminate black holes.

Plus they are nice!

CURIOUS

So much of my life is defined by restraint, not interacting for fear of not liking the interaction and generally I think I am right in this, I often hate inter-actions.

But if I am preoccupied by thoughts of interactions...I am no less permeable really than anyone.
So either I seal up good or it's time for some roulette (russian).

THINGS ABOUT ME TODAY

today i like a lot
"justify my thug"
lupen crook
peter patrick

last night i dreamed that my future roommate libby and ahmet became lovers, heres hoping


this is an attempt to make the dia- a little more mono- or at least me-centric, asking questions me would ask not questions dude would ask (i am also dude-y sometimes)


I've been thinking sometimes about how I read in Oregon, how I read all night sometimes and compulsively wrote down every word I didn't know, how troublesome that was in Ada (or ARDOR) and how I quoted things that made me embarrassed later when I was at home. How I felt like my others-admiration was a sort of ignominious thing that I should minimize. I don't understand what I am supposed to do, really, I have all these things I like and think about and it becomes so circular, liking and thinking about things and not wanting to do anything. But my **feelings** are equally expressed in everything I think of doing, there's always a mixture of letdown and into-it-ness, writing, trips, sex, run, rock climb, music, I think maybe all I am set up to do is to take things in and think about how they make me feel. The idea of dedication to a thing or person or concept at all seems so unimaginable and foreign and...I am feeling embarrassed for writing this at all.

I guess I need to focus just on physical sorts of creations and actions and things and see how they make me feel because worrying about how abstractions make me feel is too confusing.

blah blah blahhh YEAH i like being alive tho, im glad i got born

i re'member

magical mystery unicorns of rockaway friday REMEMBER!

here are some things i say.


every time i have sex i think i am pregnant. i panic for a minute and then very seriously consider the implications of having a baby RIGHT NOW or in NINE MONTHS i suppose and i remember, i will have to drop out of school, i'd better tell my roommates, i don't think i should tell the father (i'm not that kind of girl) but maybe i should tell my parents, should i move back home to raise it? if it's a girl im naming her candy JK ill name her gertrude or claire but if it's a boy i'll probably name him patrick, who knows though, i might change my mind before it's born.


my feet are always cold
or sometimes they're hot
my mind feels very old
except when it does not.

Hi, internet